My Friends Are All Getting Pet Fish & Tanks... And I Hate It.

Here’s the situation. Jason Neis & David Neis live in Brandon Slaats’ house here in Kieler and when I figured Dave was following in his lengthy cousin’s footsteps by purchasing a fish tank and some fish to throw in it. I was completely fine with that because even though I love them, Jdub & Dave are extremely weird in a good way and was all about it. Then this morning I get a snapchat text from Slaats saying he’s getting a fish tank and fish to join the gang.

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That is where I draw the damn line, people.

Many things that I hate about this including the fact fish are terrible pets with no value, the tanks are expensive and tedious to maintain, and there is no way to communicate with them.

If you wanted to get a pet, why wouldn't you choose a pet that can give you lasting memories and of tremendous value? For instance, Brandon’s fish that calls Jdub’s tank “home”, ate Jason’s goldfish’s mother****ing eyes, man! So, Jdub’s fish is swimming completely blind with no eyes. Mind-boggling. So, these knuckleheads decide to go out and get individual tanks which cost a pretty penny. Now, Dave and Slaats might run a tighter ship than my pal Jason, but I have seen enough fish in my day meet the toilet, dead or alive. But hey, the tank looks badass…..tisk tisk. I will say though, if you are getting it just for the mere fact that you love the way the tank looks and buying 50 cent fish to throw in it….let the record show I will allow that.

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I have never understood the “pet fish” love. So, not only can you not communicate in any way with these dumb little squirmers, but you have to remember to clean the tank and feed them daily. Oh, go on a quick lil weekend drinking bender and forget for a couple days? DEAD. But in this day and age, oh well, might as well go to Walmart and buy another fleet of them. I’m actually steaming while typing this.

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Sure, pet fish are cool….. when they have the ability to speak, be animated, and ON A TV SHOW! But, if you aren’t housing Klaus Heissler, the man in a goldfish body from American Dad series… stop it. Since we are here and on this point, did you guys know Klaus was an Olympic ski jumper until the CIA transformed him into a damn goldfish so he wouldn’t win the Gold medal. The show is absolutely wild.

If you want memories with something, go adopt a pet. Hell, I wouldn't put it past Jason to get a damn bird. Look into having a community squirrel outside, pet a stray cat every once in awhile, but for God’s sake leave the fish in lakes and in the ocean where they belong. HAS FINDING NEMO NOT TAUGHT YOU ANYTHING? So, good luck to my friends on their quest to imprison as many fish as possible by torturing them with bigger bully fish, feeding them as you please, and murdering them.

Hope you guys are happy. Because I’m definitely not.

Corey Kaiser

the608, Founder